Am I an emotional eater after all?
My struggle with cravings and eating for emotional support have seemed less than many of my friends talk about. But today I am seeking comfort, and I found myself wishing I could think of something to eat that would give it.
I just returned home from the latest specialist to try to find a reason for the icky feeling I so often get in my head. Some of my tests were abnormal. I feel pretty off-kilter. I’m validated to finally have someone find a REASON for what I have been describing and trying to heal for six months.
But the unknown is scary.
Next week will be another consultation.
I walked home from the doctor’s office. It was only about 2 and a half miles from here, all our cars were in use by the many drivers at our house, and I thought it would be a good way to get my exercise in. The walk was fine except that I was sort-of upside down inside of me. Jerry was teaching, and I couldn’t interrupt his class, so I called my brother. It was good to have company as I walked home. I didn’t want to be alone.
But it’s 32 degrees out there, and I’m still cold an hour later. I wanted something warm and salty, so I ate basically healthy, but skipped my usual lunch—my BeFull shake with fruit. One cup of brown rice and 3 oz of London broil later (349 calories), I feel full, but not satisfied. I can’t bring myself to grab a salad or fruit.
I don’t feel hungry; I just feel empty.
So far I’ve resisted the urge for something hot and cheesy or buttery. (Funny, chocolate doesn’t even sound good. Huh. I think I used to reach for it when I felt empty. I think the nutrition of BeNew has decreased sugar cravings.)
I suppose I’m ignoring the empty by writing this journal entry. But I still feel sad, a little scared, and a whole lot of tired of my brain/head not functioning normally.
The cravings persist. I could make myself popcorn or pizza or something creamy, like homemade mac and cheese, but I don’t want to rush there. I’m processing why I would think food would make this better. I don’t want to fill the empty with crap. I want to fill it with Good.
I want Him to comfort me.
So I’ll grab a warm blanket and rest awhile. One of my best friends told me to remember my 3 R’s – Rest, Recuperate, and Rely on Jesus.
Funny, Rigatoni with cheese sauce wasn’t anywhere on the list . . . ~ January 11, 2013
Real Time Update:
I still don’t know what’s up with my head. A week ago I would have told you the symptoms were 75% gone, but the last several days they have been back with a vengeance. I used to be able to connect the worse times to computer work, but now I’m connecting the symptoms to fatigue. If I push with a full schedule as I used to before the accidents, they return. I’m trying to look to these symptoms as a reminder to keep balance and rest in my life, but I’m not always successful.
As far as emotional eating goes, the battle continues, especially in the harder days, like a few weeks ago when Jerry had surgery. This morning I read a quote by Graham Cooke that said, “Fullness is our destiny; but emptiness is our crutch.” I’m still processing what he meant by that, but as the above post shows, I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with filling up on cheese sauce and everything to do with the fullness of God offered to me.
What About You?
I’d love to hear your emotional eating stories or advice! We’re in this together, my friends!