Kisses in the Curve Balls

Kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you’ll wait for me. Hold me like you’ll never let me go . . .

It was one of those moments. It happens periodically when I’m in the early morning sleep state, between quiet and reality. A song fragment awakens me and flows through my heart and thoughts. These are rare, breathless moments. Moments when He sings over me. I’ve learned to listen.

Yes, Lord?

Remember your speech?Carol_Award_Gold_-_no_base_transparent_background

The one I didn’t get to give. The one I’d already posted to my blog before I know whether or not I’d get to give it.

The one where I said to survive being a writer I had to hold onto God for all I was worth.

I’d fallen asleep  a few hours before with eyes squeezed hard in the darkened hotel room, eyelashes hot with wet that cooled to icky cold on my cheeks. I was okay. After all, it’s normal to be bummed in times like this. But I hadn’t only hidden sadness from the world. Anger smoldered, too, tinging the purity of disappointment.

Anger for the long path of a writer. Grief that only that week He’d again asked me to do something different than I wanted as a writer. To put the projects of my heart on hold again–after they’d been on hold for that last 5 years. Just when I thought maybe He’d let me move forward He again said, “no.”

The speech, remember? Live what you wrote. Hold onto Me for all you’re worth.

Yes, Lord.

I felt it, then–His kindness, His reassurance, His tenderness. Without words He spoke, “Smile for me, beloved. Don’t be angry I didn’t give you the win this time. Wait for Me. For My plan. Love me, dear one. Live in my joy. Don’t let the disappointment steal it away.”

Trust Me.

The anger dissipated.

Smile for Me?

The pain lessened.

Kiss me?

“I love you, Lord. Even when I don’t get my way.”

I thought back to all He’d taught me this summer. The preparation for the new twists of His plan.

And I knew this moment was about another surrender to another “wait.”

In His goodness He didn’t ask me to obey without also sharing His presence, His heart. Like the times Jerry has had to disappointment me for a greater good, He grieved, too. Was sad He couldn’t give what I wanted right then. Wished He could simply make me happy.

Desired, maybe even needed, my smile. My kisses.

Unbroken relationship.

I’ll write about His new plan soon. It’s a curve ball I never desired, but got excited about when He asked it of me. And then freaked out about and got mad about later, only to surrender once again.

Baseball_diamond_marines

photo from wikipedia

It’s a curve ball that will eventually allow a home run hit or two, but that in the short term means turning (yet another time) from my long-term dreams and resting in short-term preparation.

Learning to swing at this curve ball means another season of stretching, learning, allowing Him undo thinking patterns that hold me back. Another round of stepping out of my comfort zone and swinging on a new field.

I’ll let you know all about that soon, my friends. Until then, I covet your prayers for me in this new place where I stretch.

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12 thoughts on “Kisses in the Curve Balls

  1. Caryl Kirtley September 30, 2013 at 8:45 pm Reply

    Not fair! You can’t just leave us hanging like that!! Ugh, hope its not long…LOVE you friend!

    • Paula Moldenhauer September 30, 2013 at 10:12 pm Reply

      You know a lot about all this. It builds from our private discussion in the mountains. ;o)

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  2. Paulette Harris September 30, 2013 at 10:09 pm Reply

    Hmm Paula it appears that you are getting “curves” in all the right places!! 🙂 Praying for you my dear sister.

    Hugs from Paulette.

    • Paula Moldenhauer September 30, 2013 at 10:13 pm Reply

      hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your prayers are precious to me!

  3. Sheila Stacy September 30, 2013 at 10:10 pm Reply

    Soo good!! Can’t wait to find out. :0)

    • Paula Moldenhauer September 30, 2013 at 10:13 pm Reply

      :O) It’s probably not new news to the rest of you. I just had to figure it all out. lol

  4. mariekeates October 1, 2013 at 6:52 pm Reply

    Sorry you didn’t win but intrigued… Anyway, getting nominated is pretty cool! 🙂

    • Paula Moldenhauer October 3, 2013 at 12:43 am Reply

      Thank you, my friend! And you’re right. Getting nominated was awesome!

  5. […] Him through the twists and turns in our journey as writers. (Sound familiar? Kind-a like the whole curve ball […]

  6. Epiphanies I | A BENew Journey October 4, 2013 at 10:48 am Reply

    […] of which I’ll share in the coming days. My epiphanies eventually circle back around to the curve ball post of a few days ago. I hope you’ll continue to journey with me as I drop emotional and […]

  7. Epiphany #4 | A BENew Journey October 15, 2013 at 11:16 am Reply

    […] I started figuring out that things weren’t as easy as I expected when I went to one of my favorite places: A writer’s conference where I was reminded that my new epiphany was really a curve ball. […]

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