It’s not earth-shattering, Lord.
It’s not death or disease.
But even such a little thing can feel like destruction.
Even such a little thing is an assault on your gifts.
And they were your gifts.
In a time of financial empty you gave them to me, one at a time, over the long season of want.
A dishwasher and a new floor.
Both hand-me-down gifts that looked brand new.
I should have paid closer attention when something didn’t seem right in front of the dishwasher. Why did I wait until the beautiful floor seemed to buckle before sounding the alarm?
My heart dropped as the dishwasher was pulled from the cabinets and we saw the gush of water.
I cried as we began pulling up my beautiful floor, one long gorgeous board at a time.
We don’t live in financial nothingness now. But we’re still unprepared for this expense in this season of college bills and baseball teams.
Habit has long taught me to worry at such times.
But it has also taught me to give my worries to you.
That floor was your promise to me that all that was wrong in my home could be provided for in a snap when you chose to move.
Not only were the boards themselves a gift, the labor of love, the weekend of friendship was from you, too.
But hanging onto the gratitude is a bit testy while I watch my gorgeous floor boards crumble from the wet, smell the rank of saturated sub floor.
I’m not sure how to deal with this, Lord.
Even if there are enough scraps in the garage for the repairs, we don’t know how to cut and lay them.
And there is the issue of the gaping hole where a dishwasher used to be.
(I’m not thrilled about doing the volume of dishes we go through by hand, Lord.)
I want to fight through to gratitude and hope and praise and faith.
After all, if you cared enough to give me these gifts back then, isn’t such still important to you now?
The floor that my sweet family has walked upon, where I have fed precious children meal after meal. The room I’ve opened to guests, no matter how we had to crowded around my small table.
You care about my floor.
You care about my dishwasher.
You own the cattle on a thousand hills. This is not even pennies to you, this repair, this new provision.
Guilt whispers to remember all I have in this land of America. That I have dishes. Food to put in them. A comfortable home, pretty floor or not. Guilt says I should not care so much about such things as broken appliances and broken beauty.
But you’ve been showing me that your voice isn’t guilt.
You teach me to care about others, look for ways to serve and give, but not to pretend I don’t care about my own needs because they seem petty compared.
My needs and desires are my own.
And they are important to you, the hopes of this mom in America, just the same as the hopes of a mother in Africa who today prays for more immediate, life-giving needs.
I won’t live in guilt. I won’t pretend I don’t feel this need.
I won’t live in the knee-jerk hopelessness and worry of the past.
I will live in faith of provision.
I will live in the Truth that You see and care.
I will remember the provisions of the past and look to the provisions of the future, no matter what form they take.
Friends, I started praying with pen and journal this morning, talking to the God who Loves about this issue (and others). But this little blog beckoned, this place where I’ve chosen to be vulnerable about the big things and small. This place where I’ve asked for prayer, and it has been given.
I’m not sure why I choose to share this mundane problem. Maybe because I so desire to take a stand for hope and faith and to it in front of the whole of the Internet seemed definitive. Maybe because I know some of your stories and how my little tales of provision have given you hope in your own long season of want. Maybe because I know some of you will whisper a prayer for my attitude and my provision. Maybe just because we’re journeying together, you and me, and this is today’s journey.
As I type I whisper a pray for your journey of this day. Whether issues are big or small assualt or whether it is a day of sheer ease, I ask Him to bless you, to provide for you, to show His love. I pray that you have hope and faith. That neither you or I try to ease the stress by stuff that never fixes anything, like pigging out on cheese dip and chips. ;o)
Until Next Time,
Tagged: dishwashers, emotional eating, faith, God, God is faithful, God's faithfulness, growing stronger, healing, hope, inside-out, Paula Moldenhauer, prayer, provision, wood floors
Paula, the “mundane” really touches me. It does make you vulnerable. And brave. And courageous. And real. And honest. And gives me hope. Hope that my own mundane stuff isn’t me being bad. Hope that God cares more than I realise. And that being “real” with Him means being real all the time. Thank you.
I want to weep as I read your comment, Paul. You have expressed my heart, why I wrote what I did, I think. Because I do believe God cares about every single thing we care about. And I don’t believe He wants us to beat ourselves up over not being perfect little creatures that never feel.
I know I’ve said it before, but you give me such encouragement Sheila! Thank you!
God does indeed care for what we think is the mundane. I remember years ago crying on my bed, feeling all alone after we made a mid Country move. I was sobbing and looked out the window from my bed and noticed the big red maple tree swaying in the breeze. It struck me so vividly that God directed us to this particular house just for this moment so I could come to realize just how much I am loved by Him. You see the happiest moments in my childhood were made under my Grandmother’s big Red Maple trees. He was showing me that I am never, ever alone!
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. It’s amazing how He touches us in just our special tender space and reveals Love again. Your story speaks to me tonight.
Paula, thank you for sharing. Your faith in things big and small encourages me. Sometimes (many times) I try to “push through” when I really need to just be honest with The Lord about my disappointments. I also appreciate how you articulated those feelings of guilt because we do indeed have so much. I also want to share something that The Lord did today. Mike & I are going on a weekend getaway in our RV by ourselves for the first time (so excited). Mike was getting the RV tires rotated and the guy at Big O told us that there was a repair that was needed (I won’t bore you with the detials) that would cost $218. That is money we just can’t afford right now. That’s one of the reasons we are going away in the RV and not flying somewhere and staying in a hotel. Anyway, Mike & I prayed about it. In the end, they fixed it for free and then didn’t even charge us for the tire rotation. There is no other explanation than The Lord chose to bless us and show us His great kindness. I will pray that your needs will be met in your current situation. I am sorry about your beautiful floors but know that God cares about your floors and dishwasher because they are important to you. Blessings to you Paula 🙂 ~Joyce
Oh, Joyce! What a wonderful testimony to HIS care. Thank you for sharing this with me. I hope you guys have an amazing time away!
It’s times like this when we realize just how blessed we are. I recently also had a malfunctioning dishwasher. My first thought was that I didn’t want to wash all the dishes by hand. But my second thought was how blessed I was to even have a dishwasher when some don’t have food, home etc. If God wants me to wash all the dishes by hand, then so be it. But I didn’t have to, the dishwasher was ok. He has provided over and over in my life and I know he will continue to do so, he promises that. You are going through such a struggling time. I will pray you will feel God’s love wrapped around you as you deal with these trying issues.
Thank you for your prayers sweet Cynthia. There have been much worse seasons in my life, but this one has had its trials for sure. I’m glad you didn’t have to wash those dishes by hand for long. The bigger issue at my house is the floor . . . hubby and I are not very handy and we’ve been trying to figure out how to save it. Even the sub-floor is wet . . .
I’m not sure, but I think the sub floor will dry out ok. Maybe a dishwasher repair place could suggest a flooring expert or handyman that could help you? I hope there’s someone who can help you.