Been processing life pretty hard. You’d think when a gal’s pushing 50 she’d have it all figured out. Evidently not. Life keeps sending transitions, putting me on my toes, changing. So I write about graduations and weddings and broken dishwashers and grace.
But as real life rushes and changes and challenges I want to hold onto all that stuff I learned in the year of my journey back to health.
And I haven’t thought about all that much lately.
Here’s the thing. I’ve spent the last few months fluctuating between caring about my new healthy habits and blowing them off. As I wrote many times, weight loss and stronger, healthier bodies require a life-long willingness to change, not a one-time diet.
I’m disgusted with myself tonight. I ate a whole box of Raisnets. Not exactly a great choice, but a once in a while splurge would not be that big a deal. The problem is I’ve been splurging for days. It’s easy to do when you spend a week attending parties.
But it’s beyond all those graduations and weddings and baby showers.
Maybe the lack of concern for my body is related to sending my third born off to work in the mountains this summer only to then send him to the dorms at his chosen college.
Or maybe it’s related to the fact my daughter will be traveling with a humanitarian team to a not-so-safe country.
Could it be that I just didn’t care about focus while my house was torn apart with the dishwasher leaking under the floor saga?
There’s other stuff, too. Deep processing of grace and freedom. So deep that I’ve had tension stomachaches again, the kind I used to get when I was trapped in perfectionism and legalism.
But really, is any of that worth losing the hard-earned freedom of regaining my normal weight? Aren’t all of those a return to emotional eating?
Honestly, I’ve chosen NOT to be intentional about what I’m eating.
I feel sluggish. I’m not staying on a good sleep schedule. I’m ignoring the fresh spinach in the crisper. A friend posted something to facebook that explains exactly how I feel. Anybody relate?
So I could use prayer, my friends. I look at pictures of when I was over 200 pounds and remember how I got that way one pound at a time. How I promised myself I’d never do that again.
I want to nip this attitude in the bud NOW.
I want to walk again. Do crunches and planks. Eat better food. I want freedom of movement and clarity of thought and all the gifts of being the size God intended when He created me.
Tonight I’m reminding myself that every single choice for health is stepping back on the road I want to be on. I don’t have to allow this behavior to continue. I can live in the freedom of healthy choices.
Any advice?
Until Next Time,
Tagged: emotional eating, food, freedom, healthy choices, healthy eating, maintaining weight loss, maintenance, weight loss, weight loss journey
Paula's Blog 
First of all, wishing God’s blessings on you and yours, especially with what you’ve written here. Secondly, no advice as that tends to end up in useless platitudes. I’ve had enough of those to last me the rest of my life, so I just wish you well, suggeting you lean on the Lord in the tougher times xx
Love that. You’re right. NO platitudes, just leaning on the LORD. Best advice ever! And thank you for the blessing. It touched my heart!
Praying for you.
Thank you, Sheila. I did better after I wrote this post. Exercised and ate reasonably the next day. With the support of your prayers my goal is to slowly readjust back to the healthy lifestyle I want. Your faithful friendship is a blessing.
Dearest Paula – love of calories is another thing we share! 🙂
What went through my mind is this: the weight thing and the creep of another bite, another spoon, another smidgeon – easy to see on the scales and the waistband (I know of what I speak!).
Yet how often do we look inside and see the expanding slothband, the increasing weight of sacrifice, the pounds of extra judgement, etc.
My own future is to be gentle and loving to me. I might have to squeeze, puff, and try harder today. Yet I can get there, if I take it one spoon at a time, one day at a time, aim for the narrow gate (!!) as a goal rather than tomorrow’s destination. Inside and outside – one spoon at a time, one being kind to me at a time.
(and as for clarity of thought – your words rock my boat wonderfully today every time you write) 🙂
Love the word smidgen, Paul! And the idea of inside out weight loss is truly my goal, too. To lose the self-judgement (and judgement of others), to lose the pressure to be perfect while still choosing things that are truly good and not self-sabotage. I love what you said about being gentle and loving toward me. Loving myself is not indulging mindlessly on chocolate, loving me is having a piece, but not the whole box at once. Loving me is caring for my health and letting God heal the inside parts so that they continue to heal on the outside, too. It’s looking to Him for peace, not to food. It’s stopping in the midst of the pain to look to Him and receive His love and grace instead of stuffing and munching . . . trying to force it all down when it is not seen.
Thank you for helping me clarify my thoughts as you brought clarity to me, too.
I think when things in our life get off track, we definitely sacrifice energy and lose focus. Maybe ease back into it. Write down what you’re eating each day in order to hold yourself more accountable. (I actually laughed at my list of food choices on my last day of vacation. It was like I’d chosen everything terrible all at once in an act of personal sabotage.) Write down all of your exercise too, and maybe find a buddy to walk with. I’m experiencing a lull in my motivation, too. I think peri-menopausal symptoms are helping me to feel less excited about eating right and exercising.
Good luck! I’ll keep you in my thoughts! 🙂
I get the whole perimenopausal thing. I’m not having consistent cycles anymore, but sometimes the pressure to eat feels just like PMS without the resulting period. I’m trying to understand if that truly happens, if while you go through the change the hormonal surges are still coming even if the other doesn’t. And thank you for the reminder to ease back in but not give up!
I’ll be praying for you. You’ve been through a lot and you also know you have a some tough things coming up. I’m sure you’re low on mental energy. Be kind to yourself. The kindest thing you can for yourself is take care of yourself.
Thank you, Cynthia!! I love that–“be kind to yourself.” I do feel low on mental energy . . . and am making an effort to pace myself. Now I just need to also be kind enough to myself to make healthy choices, I guess.
I think a lot of us can definitely relate. I do not struggle so much with weight, but I’ve dealt with eating disorders/negative self image and all that and I still have to be careful not to either obsess over or binge on certain food. What helps me most is just to not have what tempts me in the house. But as the kids get older, they are wanting more snacks, so I am just having to learn self control, which isn’t such a bad thing. One box of raisinettes is not so bad, but like you said, the one times add up over time. thankfully the Lord’s grace is sufficient in our weakness and His grace covers those times when we fail. (p.s. i tried fixing my link, does it work now???)
I don’t have Ny answers because I’m in the same place. Trying hard to get back to health again.
Hi Paula, thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. I chose to comment on this post because I applaud your efforts at getting healthy and I feel your pain when you disappoint yourself 😉
I read a book called Change Anything and you might find some helpful strategies that would help you succeed when the circumstances conspire against you.
http://www.amazon.com/Change-Anything-Science-Personal-Success-ebook/dp/B0047Y16YE#
We always chalk our failures up to a lack of willpower. We say things to ourselves like, “Great, so just another area where I suck!”, but it’s not that simple.
Find out which sources of influence are working against you.
Then make a plan to succeed regardless of what they throw at you.
Blessings Paula 😉
Thank you Kelly Grace! I look forward to getting to know you better! I appreciate your words very much as well as the book recommendation!