The Quandary

I can’t write.

This is a lie.

This I know.

I have written, and I will write.

But I find myself afraid to start.

Wasting time.

It’s almost as if now that the house has emptied so that I can fully pursue my dreams I have become paralyzed.

I didn’t expect this. Have longed for freedom to pursue the dreams beyond motherhood.

The time is now.

Instead of seizing the day I seize the vacuum cleaner, the telephone, the dirty dishes.

I run errands.

Sometimes I curl up on the couch and cry.

Sometimes I play.

The Christmas break was chaotic and full. Noise rang from these now quiet rooms.

I cooked and cooked and baked and talked and scheduled who got the cars and who didn’t.

Then they went back to college, to apartments and dorm rooms and classrooms.

One at a time they entered their world, leaving me to mine.

I’ve given myself permission to be quiet. To grieve. To regroup.

I think I read 7 books in four days when Stephen left.

The other day I cleaned yard clutter neglected for 25 years.

But I was created to write.

I’ve dreamed of space to write.

To produce more than the four novels completed in the midst of child-rearing.

I’ve worked hard. Served others. Learned my craft.

It’s time.

To write deeper, stronger, more beautiful.

Even here. To be more consistent.

But even here I am afraid. Afraid to start again lest I neglect the pouring forth.

I want to write.

I need to write.

Please pray I can write.

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19 thoughts on “The Quandary

  1. Caryl Kirtley January 22, 2015 at 4:10 am Reply

    Prayed. And will continue Praying 🙂

    • Paula Moldenhauer January 22, 2015 at 4:11 am Reply

      Thank you my friend. The house isn’t even completely empty, and here I sit grieving . . .

  2. booksbyjanice January 22, 2015 at 4:34 am Reply

    In 2007 when I thought I couldn’t go on one more minute with my writing, guess who encouraged me? You. So, listen to me now when I say that you can write, you will write, you are writing. The time is now. Janice Hanna Thompson “Love, Laughter and Happily Ever Afters!” http://www.janicehannathompson.com My latest book: A Bouquet of Love

    • Paula Moldenhauer January 22, 2015 at 7:10 am Reply

      Wow, Janice. Thank you. I was surprised to find your note here tonight. So timely and full of encouragement. Isn’t that just like our Lord!

      • Paula Moldenhauer January 22, 2015 at 7:23 am

        And of course I don’t remember that! LOL But I’m so glad you do and that you have turned it back around and spoken hope over me.

  3. realchange4u January 22, 2015 at 4:59 am Reply

    Ah God gave you the gift to write Paula. Why do you hesitate? Write and God will follow your writing and be with you. It hard to focus after being used to a house full. Take a breath and slow down. I always believed it was important to feed your soul the proper food it needs. If writing is good for your soul them in time, when you have what God wants you to write you will write. I speak these things over you in faith before Jesus and in his name ask it. We have missed your post.

    Much love Tom

    • Paula Moldenhauer January 22, 2015 at 7:10 am Reply

      And now I cry. Thank you, Tom. Thank you.

      • realchange4u January 22, 2015 at 4:43 pm

        Oh don’t do that. It’s not manly for me to cry lol. I will continue to lift you up Paula as you do me. Thank you for your wonderful friendship.

  4. paulfg January 22, 2015 at 7:59 am Reply

    You are not simply a writer. Not simply a mother. Not simply anything. Not even simply Paula.
    You are a unique, complex, multi-layered loved and loving individual. You need do nothing to carry on being that unique treasure. You are that unique treasure.
    You are surrounded by love. You are connected to so many. You connect so many. Always.
    When the writing flow flows, then the writing flow flows.
    You will always be you.
    You are always you.

    • Paula Moldenhauer January 22, 2015 at 9:31 am Reply

      Thank you for the freedom of these words. The reminder that identity is not what I do, but who I am. Whose I am. He loves me. When I write and when I don’t. I’ve been given many promises, Paul. And some marching orders. But their very magnitude can be paralyzing. But maybe not so much as I remember that being me is enough. That while HE rejoices in my writing, has a plan for my writing, it is me He loves more. I have never been good enough to earn His love. It has been offered freely. I need do nothing to retain this love. It is always there. I am not my writing. I am not performance. I am simply me. Simply His. And nothing can jeopardize that. That perspective will keep me safe as I move forward. That perspective, one who is loved. One who is complete with or without writing. That keeps me grounded and able to risk. Thank you. I just wrote a post inspired by Tom’s comments. I feel one percolating based on yours. And so I will cease my creative vigil. It is 2:30 a.m. here–a 2:30 a.m. that is following last night’s sleeplessness. I will sleep now. Rest in that place where HE is. Surrounded by love.

      • paulfg January 22, 2015 at 11:09 am

        (snore… zzzzz ……) 🙂

  5. Paula Moldenhauer January 22, 2015 at 5:33 pm Reply

    lol!

  6. Rebekah January 23, 2015 at 3:02 am Reply

    Fear not. The Lord is with you.

  7. […] few nights ago, determined to get words onto a screen I typed a vulnerable post about my struggle to write. A friend’s comment grounded me, and I remembered my Audience of […]

  8. Marie Keates January 25, 2015 at 1:31 pm Reply

    You can write, but like me, it’s hard to believe in it enough. Every day I do write, but I procrastinate with blog posts and leave projects I thought would be books half finished.

    • Paula Moldenhauer January 29, 2015 at 3:13 am Reply

      There’s always something pushing against our forward momentum as writers, isn’t there, my friend? I’ve always admired your faithfulness with your blog, as I have with your commitment to walking. I think you get a whole lot of things RIGHT.

  9. Marlene Bagnull January 28, 2015 at 4:28 pm Reply

    Yes, Paula. It’s time! Hope to see you at the May 13-16 Colorado Christian Writers Conference. The brochure is now online at http://colorado.writehisanswer.com/brochure. I’m praising God for what He has done and will do. Love you – Marlene

    • Paula Moldenhauer January 29, 2015 at 3:15 am Reply

      Ah, my dear Elsa . . . thank you. YOU have been used by Him to keep me writing for years. Unfortunately I have the same issue this year with the conference that I had last year–another son graduating. I’m glad they are graduating, but I am sad they keep conflicting with CCWC!! Third year–wedding, graduation, graduation . . . *sigh*

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