On this blog.
At just the right time I will turn to July 9, 2013 in my journal and finish the thoughts I began in my first epiphanies post.
Today I can only hold tight to the promises of my Father and move on to a new conversation. It’s not that I doubt, it’s just that the future is far away. For me, at least. To Him it is like a snap of a finger.
Let’s just say that by my next entry, August 11th, I was angry again and confused, in a very different place that that joyful conversation in Breckenridge.
And the Lord was good, as usual. I knew I could say anything on my mind, and it wouldn’t freak Him out.
I started with, “Please heal me from whatever it is that is afraid and hard within me.”
You’ve been angry with me.
“Yes. And that makes me angry with myself, and yet self-accusation doesn’t make me any less angry with You.”
It never does.
And so the two of us talked about the long haul. How I so often felt without control. How I’d given Him permission for deep change, and how that takes time.
Then He loved me. Said really sweet things to me, things that proved once again He thought better of me than I thought of myself.
Funny how when he complimented me I quit being angry with Him.
At the end of our time He showed me that I’d been begging Him for scraps when He wanted to lay an abundant table before me.
I wasn’t sure what that meant, but it sent me on a journey of discovery.
Epiphany #3 was a part of that discovery. Epiphany #3 shocked me.
It happened at a Life Force training. I was there mostly for Jerry because he had to work his day job. I wasn’t fully invested in this new business. I saw myself as standing on the sidelines, supporting where I could, and cheering my husband on, “Good job, honey. Go! Go!”
But that day it suddenly it became clear that this wasn’t Jerry’s journey alone, this was my journey, too. That the Lord wanted me to be a business woman. In the excitement of that moment, and for several days afterward I was thrilled! I sensed the Lord smiling, cheering me forward. I recorded what I believed to be His heart:
. . . I have given you a place to stretch and develop the skills you need for the next stage of your journey. It is not a divergent path. It is one of balance. Sometimes my directions will conflict with your desire, just as it has in raising your family. You will have to juggle congruent, concurrent paths, but they will not be divergent. Be sensitive to Me, My child. It will keep us connected and close as you pray through next steps and pay attention to My direction.
And so I rejoiced and rushed off to tackle my new life.
Unfortunately all that wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I guess I should have paid attention when He said stuff like I was given a place to stretch and that His direction would sometimes conflict with my desires.
More about that next time.