Tag Archives: anger

Weight Loss Journey Day 33

I love fitting exercise into every day responsibilities! I took Sam to physical therapy and rode the stationary bike there again! Later I took him to the rec center so he could walk the pool and build strength back into the hip where he had surgery. I swam while he walked. We’re both getting stronger.

Part of the reason I took Sam to the rec center was my own need to get out of the house and exercise. I tried to type for an extended time on the computer today and had another bad episode with my head. Every time I think I am normal, something like this happens, and I realize I am still not completely healed from the car accident.

Talk about angry and frustrated!

I felt better after swimming laps at the pool. Exercise may have started to deal with weight loss, but I’m learning it also deals with my fight against discouragement.

Real Time Update:

Real life hits hard sometimes. Last Thursday (January 2013) was particularly rough as my doctor told me he believed I would never get an accurate diagnosis for whatever weird thing is wrong in my head. He said I need to learn to live in my new normal, and thinks it likely I will never heal beyond where I am now.

That day got even better when the car insurance guy called and grilled me–treating me like I was doing something wrong by seeing doctors and trying to heal. I got all flustered. My words came out wrong as I felt vulnerable and unprotected as he attacked.

It was a rough day and night, but I put out the word I needed prayer. I got my cry–several of them, actually–over with.  The temptation to cash out was great. To give up on the things I’ve been doing for my healing, like eating right, exercising, and losing weight. I threatened to quit writing. (Which I think would be a little like not breathing for me). Jerry held me. He and my friends prayed. Somehow I got through the bad dreams and insomnia of that night.

And then I kept on.

The next morning I went on a good long walk and let God whisper that He was still there. And then . . . I ran almost a mile! The hurt and anger and fear melted a little as my feet pounded the pavement, and I felt God in nature, in my thoughts, in the sunshine.

Paula modeling at BENew celebration

Paula modeling at the BENew Celebration in Denver, January 25, 2013

And that night I modeled at a BeNew celebration, hoping to inspire others to begin the journey to a new, healthier self.

And I hoped again.

What about You?

During this painful time I experienced cravings for comfort food–it was the first time in forever that I almost mindlessly bought a candy bar just to fill the emotional darkness. But I didn’t. And getting outside and moving did me much more good than that candy bar ever would have. What are you tempted to reach for when life hurts? What is a better choice that helps you?

Weight Loss Journey Day 22

the beach walkingIf I were home today would be my “weigh in and tell BENew what my pounds and inches are” day.

But I’m not home.

Maybe the extra week before I weigh again will show some real results. I’m starting to feel different. I look in the mirror and my eyes aren’t so sure, but in my heart I KNOW I am different even if the mirror doesn’t SHOW it.

I can’t believe I can walk the whole beach like this. I’ve come so far from the woman who spent all those hours on the couch or in bed this summer. We see lots of cool stuff as we walk.

Today’s expedition included a small shark

shark closer

And a weird stump that sprayed ocean water as the waves rolled over it. I wish I were an artist and could paint it.

walking 2

I’m still doing nothing. Not reading, writing, or even watching movies. We sit on the lanai and talk for hours. We walk the beach or swim at the pool.

I lay in the sun in my bikini top.

Bikini top. Still weirded out by buying one and even more by wearing one. It isn’t about showing something off. With my weight and stretch marks that isn’t even possible. It’s about something . . . more. About not hiding. About not holding back because I fear what people think. About being brave enough to do something differently than I did yesterday–or even for most of my life.

So I expose this previously unexposed part of me to the sun, longing for it’s warmth, wanting to be kissed brown even as I fear I will scorch.

I keep cutting back on sunscreen because I’m not even tanning on my tummy, much less burning.

As so passes another day at the beach.

It’s peaceful as night falls here.

palm tree and dusk

We eat healthy

food florida

And watch the sunset as we do.

sunset and bird

The birds lift their wings to freedom, and I long to follow.

Real Time Update:

The brave thing of this week wasn’t buying clothes but giving them away–three garbage bags of three different sizes. It’s even braver to do so since I’m frustrated by that plateau I mentioned yesterday. But I will NOT return to 190 pounds. Or 183 Or 180. And I will NOT give up on losing another chunk of weight.

Though to be honest I’ve avoided exercise today. It is self-sabotage, this grumpy-I’m-not-going-to-do-it-if-I’m-not-going-to-see-results-attitude. I’m not giving into it long term. But for today . . . I’m nursing my emotion as I try to decide whose advice to follow: eat more, not less, for a short time; add more intensity to exercise; change up exercise patterns; drink more water; eat less; get more fiber; reduce carbs.

It’s overwhelming.

But I WON’T give up. Just taking today to process (okay, and to feel sorry for myself, although it’s not making me want to eat, it’s making it hard to force myself to eat.) And when I quit feeling so mad I’ll pray about this, make a decision, and keep on keepin’ on.

What About You?

What would be a freedom choice in your life? How do you process disappointment? Or make good choices when you get conflicting advice?