Tag Archives: don’t give up!

Carnival Mirrors and Mocking

Pretty much any time we step out into new territory we are opposed.

If you haven’t experienced this, please let me know. I want your secret.

Several years ago I began a weekly devotional called Soul Scents. It wasn’t long before I got hate mail telling me all the reasons I wasn’t good enough or holy enough to write about spiritual things. After a few tears and lots of prayer I kept going. How? I clung to the truth. I didn’t have to be good enough. The only way anyone is that good is because they are covered by the blood of Jesus. That writing experience was one of the best of my life, and a few thousand came on the ride with me.

What if I’d listened to the critique?

Fast forward to now. I’d known for a long time I was supposed to offer videos on my blog. A few weeks ago I finally stepped up. I felt exposed and nervous, but that first Monday Makeover was a personal victory! It wasn’t perfect, but I said what I knew I was supposed to say. I DID it.

But after a day or two the opposition started.

This time it wasn’t from people; it was an oppression that became so tangible it was as though the very air I breathed cried out, “hopeless,” telling me there would never be true success, that I would never really influence this world for the better. Even the air around me seemed tinged gray.

I pushed through videoing my second Monday Makeover, sharing Truth I absolutely believed, but speaking out of a determination to move forward, not out of free-flowing joy.

That Monday was awful. Tuesday morning was not much better. I read my Advent devotional determined to embrace the beauty. While it shined pencil light into my darkness, I still felt I was suffocating.

I tried to journal, to talk to God, but instead of free-flowing conversation there was confusion and an overwhelming sense of condemnation. In my mind I saw a strong man standing before me, glaring at me, arms crossed. I cried out, “Lord, this is not the True You, the Loving God You’ve revealed to me.” I think the last thing I wrote in my journal is that I felt powerless and needed Him to rescue me.

I went on with my day, attending my critique group. When it was my turn for advice on my manuscript I asked for prayer instead. My friends surrounded me.

It wasn’t long before one spoke up. “I believe the Lord has given me a picture that reveals what you’re dealing with. I see a “fun” house full of a maze of distorted mirrors. Over a loud speaker comes mocking laughter, playing over and over. You’re fighting to look in a true mirror, but you can’t find it.”

She was right. Those three women began praying and before I went home that day the gray film no longer suffocated me.

I knew who I was. A daughter of the King.

Maybe I’ll tell you the whole story someday, but for now my message is simply this: You will be opposed when you move forward; but you will NOT be defeated.

Believe. Keep walking forward. Grab your friends for prayer and encouragement. Ask God to rescue you. Read TRUTH.

IMAG0288

The darkness wants to destroy all that is good in this world, to keep us captive to despair and doubt. To tell us we are unimportant, ineffective, and unable to succeed.

But the Good News is “The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness does NOT overcome it.” (That’s from the Gospel of John.)

I hope to hang some lights later. If you happen to drive by my house know that I’m shouting victory to the world with their every twinkle.

The LIGHT shines in the darkness, and the darkness has NOT overcome it!

Victory over the Carnival Image

Muddling in the Middle (Days 75 & 76)

uphill climg

Photo by Stephen Moldenhauer

As the journal entries below show, the newness of the joy of weight loss wore off about half-way there. Suddenly the climb seemed a little steeper.

I’ve had some frustration, a little muddling around about half-way to my weight loss goals. The good news is this is pretty normal–AND I DID lose more weight! And just as important, I continue to learn about life, about me, about God.

January 6, 2013

Life with a weight loss goal is up and down. I wrote about joy a few days ago. I’ve had more peace and joy in the last few weeks than in a long time. I also had a lot of affirmation the last few weeks as people started noticing my new size. Super fun!But today . . . I’m frustrated. I’m more often hungry again—and fighting more cravings. I don’t know if my metabolism has sped up due to consistent exercise and that makes me hungrier, or if holiday foods were less healthy, and it messed with everything. But I’m not craving sweets. It’s cheese. Gooey and piled on. I had a little cheese on a small potato with ground turkey and salsa for lunch. Thought it would be wise to have a little of what I craved rather than ignore the desire and then binge.

Still, it’s weird to suddenly fight the process again. I was mostly at peace with it for so long.

I am on BEPure this week. Maybe I’m going through another emotional purge. The last cleanse didn’t bother me, but I’ve been weepy over all kinds of stuff today, especially over my on-going head symptoms and inability to concentrate for long periods of time. I’m entering month six without diagnosis or complete healing . . .

On the positive side I know I’m smaller ‘cause I just had to take off my ring to type. It kept rolling around too much . . .

January 7, 2013

They say the first weight off is easier than the last weight. It is coming off slower for me, now, despite the fact that I’m eating healthier and exercising consistently. This morning I worked for a while on writing stuff, like this blog. My head symptoms that began over six months ago flared, but I pushed through for a while. By the time I quit they were going pretty crazy.

Frustrated.

  • That the scale isn’t dropping very quickly.
  • That no one can tell me why my head gets weird.
  • That I’m still having symptoms associated with a car wreck that happened last June.
  • That money is tight
  • That hubby’s computer crashed again and . . .

So I went walking. The first half mile or so all I did was grumble to God. At a mile and a half I took a break, popped into my favorite coffee shop, asked for water, and went to the bathroom. Then I circled the nearby school.

I prayed about hope, standing strong, looking to God for answers. As I prayed for the school, I realized I also prayed for me, for our family, for our whole neighborhood. By the time I’d circled a few times, pouring out my heart, I felt better. I walked past the abandoned strip mall, praying for good things to come there—asking again if it might be a church. Then I walked to the high school, surprised by a nature path I didn’t know about. It was beautiful!

This walking thing isn’t just about losing pounds; it’s about losing bad attitudes, finding faith, believing in hope. Seeking the Son in His sunshine.

Walked close to 5 miles.

I’m home now, enjoying a cup of tea and a homemade persimmon cookie that I don’t feel guilty about. Yes, there’s a little sugar, but there is also a lot of healthy ingredients in it.

And I’ll have plenty of extra calories today!

How About You?

Anybody else find a new round of struggle about half way to your goal?

REAL TIME UPDATE

sugar picture perched

30 lbs of sugar. I can’t believe I used to lug this much weight every day.

I’ve been posting about my weight loss journey, sharing journal entries from about two months ago so I can offer you guys a daily chronicle of the weight loss journey, but I decided to slip an extra post based on where I am real time. It was just too impacting on me to wait 60 days to share.

Jerry and I were at Sam’s Club. He pointed to the sugar and asked me to pick up three 10 lb bags. I couldn’t believe how heavy they were, how much they weighed me down. I know the weight I lost was more evenly distributed, but still!

I can hardly process how I lugged that much weight around every day for so many years. No wonder I move with much more ease. No wonder I feel so much lighter, inside and out.

I’m so grateful to God who is leading this journey, to my husband who told me I could do it, to my prayer group who prays for my victory, to Ben M. who was convinced I needed to be a beta tester, and the people at Life Force who invited me in. And of course to BeNew.

There are obviously hard days on a journey like this. Days when emotions or party food or plateaus threaten my forward progress. But from where I stand right now, I am shocked at how much easier it has been than I expected. The good nutrition in Body Balance and BeNew has curbed the cravings and made me stronger. People all around me have been sick this winter, but I feel a sniffle, then it goes away. I have energy that sometimes shocks me. And I have fallen in love with movement.

When you’re thin you take the ability to move for granted. With most people the weight creeps on slowly, and you don’t even realize how much joy of moving you’ve sacrificed. I could cry when I think about how much effort it took to even get out of a chair sometimes, and how light I feel now. I treasure my meandering walks through the neighborhood. I feel like giggling when I can’t help but actually run a while. The other night I dreamed I ran, effortlessly, for miles, not blocks.

Spiritually there is change, too. It’s like I’d given God access to everything but my body. There’s a new connection between us, and I sense His pleasure as He watching me living more of the life He created me to live. We take walks together, and my heart bubbles forth as I listen to the bird sing or feel His prompting to pray something unexpected.

If you’re on the fence about facing your need to lose weight, please don’t delay. If you’re trying shed the pounds but ready to give up, don’t! It’s not only about looking better (that just wasn’t enough for me), it’s about living better. Fuller. Stronger. With more joy.

I still have at least 20, maybe 30 more to go. It’s coming off more slowly now, and on some days that’s frustrating. But I’m not stopping. Where I am is so different than where I was, and I can’t wait to see what it will be like where I’m going.

Weight Loss Journey Day 16

hitting a wall

I’m beginning to feel thinner.

I wonder if others see it.

Jerry does. He says my friend, Kathleen, will notice it when I see her tomorrow. (I’m going on an all-expense paid vacation with my bestest friend from college. God does do amazing things!)I don’t think Kathleen will see a difference, but that’s okay.

I made a huge meal for the boys since I’m leaving town. Cooked double for extra for them while I’m gone. Tried not to eat double, though. The food was heavy, not stuff I cook often, but great for left-overs–fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and cornbread. I’m sure the BENew secret group would disapprove, but . . .

I stayed in calorie count even though I didn’t exercise. It’s hard with that kind of food. I ate small portions, and did, honestly, still feel hungry.

I’m trying to figure out how transparent to be as I record this stuff. I think it will eventually become a blog. Should it be about total transformation, not just weight loss, or should I stick to the physical?

Well, here’s a tidbit, if I’m to be open. Today I hid and cried for a long time. I desperately need this vacation. I’m fighting hard for my healing—the chiropractor, the trauma doctor, my counselor, my prayer group, this diet, trying to learn to move again.

But sometimes I still feel hopeless. Hopeless about getting truly well, hopeless about losing all the weight I want to lose, hopeless about other struggles. Tired of dieting, even though I’ve only begun.

Tired of . . . just . . . TIRED.

Real Time Update:

Okay . . . I still feel tired sometimes, especially when real life hits hard again. But I’m finding that long walks help my mood. So does healthier food. (And throwing in a big helping of salad when I’m surrounded by heavy food helps me not be so hungry, as does my BeFull shake.) I also do a lot of talking at God. (When I calm down, I actually talk to and with Him, but sometimes I’m like Lucy in Charlie Brown, “Wah, Wah, Wah . . .”)

I’m glad I didn’t let the wall I hit make me give up on the day I wrote the above. I was on the cusp of some wonderful new things–of rest, refreshment, and growth. (So tune in for the next few weeks, folks.)

How About You?

What kinds of things throw you in a tailspin? Do the hard times trigger you and make you want to grab food? How do you fight back?