Thinking a lot about something my daughter said. She old me she taught her 5th graders in Sunday school about a vending machine.
Actually, about how we treat God like one.
Have I crossed the line, Father? In these months of anger and helplessness?
I don’t want to become bitter, entitled, demanding.
I am sometimes.
And then my heart feels as cold as ice.
God, I’m sorry. I don’t want to treat you like a vending machine, demanding what I want at the push of a button.
And so I think about His gifts. The healing hands and hearts He brought me. My doctors, counselor, and the chance to be a beta tester for BENew–about how much easier having the support of these products has made this process of weight loss. About how I have energy to take long walks. About how much better I am getting and how thankful I am.
I imagine I am safely nested in the wide branches of a big, strong tree.
God holds me safe, in blue skies and in grey.
Later I have a heart-to-heart with Jerry. We talk about what happened to me on the beach, and how I don’t want to hide. About how I want my important relationships, especially the one with him, to be uncloaked, intimate, skin-to-skin, soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart.
I am heard and embraced.
I tell Jerry I don’t want him to hide either.
He says he had to while I was so sick this summer, just as I had to when he almost died a few years ago.
Sometimes people aren’t strong enough for uncloaked sharing.
But I’m strong enough now. And so is he.
Real Time Update:
Let’s face it. Losing weight isn’t just about the body. We have soul weight that needs to burn away as well. Sometimes it’s anger. Other times fear needs to go. Or hopelessness. How about self-bashing? Or bitterness toward others.
Or toward God.
It helps to remember God is big enough for our angst. He loves us even when we’re not acting lovable. Even when we throw our little fits or treat Him like a vending machine.
It also helps to make up with Him, ourselves, or our loved ones when we’ve withheld our love because we’re mad and hurting.
What About You?
Got something that need to GO as you lose weight in your body AND soul?