Can I let it all hang out?
My fight to breathe in grace?
Some people are recovering alcoholics; I’m a recovering perfectionist. Which means, at its root, I’m a recovering religious legalist.
My desperate desire is to please and follow God. I want to be sweet and love Him and be loved by Him.
But as much as I long for perfection in this, I just can’t be perfect.
Sometimes I’m salty, not sweet.
My kitchen floor issue is still not resolved. We’re pulling up boards trying to find all the water, trying to let things dry out. I’m struggling to manage kitchen duty (and we’re one of those families that rarely eat out, don’t use pre-packaged food, and consume LOTS, so kitchen duty is a big deal) in a difficult situation.
Yesterday I chose to bake banana cake, Seth’s favorite. He’s home from college and well, it’s one of our love languages. And there is never a reason around here to do a single recipe, so of course I doubled it.
I’m leaning over floor boards that have been pulled up and stepping into cracks of sub-floor to try to work without further damaging my beautiful boards. (There’s a point.)
I’m ready to put the bananas in the batter, but Stephen pulls out a spoon and has a taste, one of his favorite things since childhood. His face scrunches up in distaste. I scoop a little into my mouth. It’s terrible. We add more sugar. No improvement. I taste the sugar. It’s bitter. Salty. I have no idea what happened, but it was good for nothing but to be thrown away.
And I can’t help but think of myself like that canister of sugar. I want to be sweet. I’m supposed to be sweet. But I’ve been salty.
And something as non-life-changing as a dishwasher leaking under my favorite floor is what is tipping me over the edge. (There’s plenty of more important stuff I’m navigating, and I seem to handle that. But my floor! My beautiful floor!!)
I was mostly salty at God. I said some nasty stuff about Him to a friend. I don’t like to talk bad about those I love, and it hurts that I did.
And sometimes when I’m a jerk I think I should be thrown out like I threw out that salt. If I’m not sweet, I’m not doing my job, so just toss me in the trash.
But I KNOW that is my old mindset creeping in. Legalism. Pride. I’ve never been sweet all through every moment, and I never will be. It’s not my goodness that makes me close to God, it’s HIS.
My behavior is not going to separate me from God because Jesus’s behavior when He offered Himself on the cross is what connected God and me in the first place. It’s what keeps me connected long-term.
But I felt that old self-censure creeping in. That inability to believe I was worthy of His love when I was so nasty. That secretly He was a God who would withhold His gifts because I wasn’t being a good daughter.
So I typed a plea to a safe circle of friends asking them to pray, to help me hold onto Truth and not give into the old thought patterns. I wrote, “I know know know that God’s blessings are not dependent upon my perfection. I know that He forgives freely . . . I have been really angry with Him and acting like an entitled jerk. I’m struggling to get over my anger and to also to believe what my head knows, that I was forgiven for the awful things I said to and about Him even as I said them.
I know if one of my kids talked that way to/about me I would have been really hurt, yet I expect God to just take it from me and still open the floodgates of heaven and help me. It seems wrong.
Then I wonder about grace and unconditional love, and I suspect the root of my struggle is actually about not opening my heart to this grace, to this forgiveness, that my self-censure is returning to old crap . . .”
And one of my friends replied with the Truth and grace I already knew but struggled to receive, “There is NOTHING you can say to Him that hasn’t already been said. NOTHING you can do that hasn’t already been done. Peter argued with the LORD all the time. Paul was a murderer. David was an adulterous AND murderer. Abraham was a coward. Moses had no faith. Joseph was prideful. Jacob wrestled with the LORD to the point he had to have his hip dislocated.
“Paula, there is NOTHING God sees but your heart. It is a human heart that struggles with everyday life, yet when push comes to shove still leans on its Creator. Your relationship is so close that you can be honest with your God. DO NOT look at the Father-child relationship you have in human terms. God’s love is NEVER performance driven. Think of all the heroes we read about in the Bible and they all messed up big time. But they had one thing that the LORD loved more than anything–honesty before their King. That, my dear, sweet Paula, is what you have. Don’t let the enemy tell you otherwise.”
And so for the past two days I’ve told myself what I already know: God’s love is never performance-driven.
God’s love is never performance-driven.
God’s love is never performance-driven.
Always God’s love is mine, given freely, spilling all over me without measure. I don’t have to be a perfect child to access it. Even when I blow it He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
And instead of casting me aside when I’m salty, he patiently remakes me into His image.
I baked those cakes over again, using good, sweet sugar. And they were the blessing I hoped they would be.
The blessing I want to be and often fall short of.
But GLORY-BE (southern roots showing here) like cakes I, too, can be remade.
Say a prayer for me, my friends . . .
Until next time,
Tagged: banana cake, cake, forgiveness, God, hope, legalism, losing weight inside and out, overcoming perfectionism, perfectionism, performance-driven behavior, pride, unconditional love
Lovely! Absolutely inspiring! Thank you for sharing this.
You’re welcome Candi. I hopped over to your blog. Wow. I think we have some things in common!
[…] fluttered around as I read something at first sight seeming so dissimilar. (Paula Moldenhauer: http://abenewjourney.com/2014/05/26/2488/ – writing about the small stuff – and allowing me to see “The Big Stuff” […]
Paula, thank you.
And I just read your post connected to that ping back. Thank YOU.
This is great, ‘Always God’s love is mine, given freely, spilling all over me without measure’. Such a pity we don’t grab hold of it as much as we need to.
Maybe that should be our daily prayer–that we can truly receive the love He offers.
Yes, it should be!
Love this post. I’m a recovering perfectionist too. Here again, we can see how broken we are and how we try to mold God into what WE think he should be. But we cannot. God is who he is. And he loves us in spite of ourselves!
And thank Goodness He does!